This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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