your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i was born a porn star she said
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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