I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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