My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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