Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
