this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
