woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
