my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
