what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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