imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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