I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
