Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
