Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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