somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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