Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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