i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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