She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Lo siento on account of my penis...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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