I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
