My liver just broke up with me...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Dick very happy bro
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