I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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