Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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