I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
