he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
