You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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