i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
