I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
