i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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