I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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