There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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