I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
