I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
only you would photoshop your dick
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
