In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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