i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
