Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I didn't notice because vodka
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
