Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
