I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Randomize
