Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
