Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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