So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
