she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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