Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
