Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
porn star boner night. come get it.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
