I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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