Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
