Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Alive.
So much puke
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
