I wish I could teleport
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
