Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
