I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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