Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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