I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
