I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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