I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
