my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
