Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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