They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
