but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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