awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
