She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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