It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize