At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
