i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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