Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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