That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
