I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
