um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
