It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize